Welcome to Pirateorama, your unofficial trusted source for news from throughout the Human Sphere. I’m Minerbot coming to you live from a rocky hole in the ground on Planet Dawn, bringing you the latest breaking news about the ongoing situation on Concilium Prima. What am I doing presenting the news, how did I hack into your Maya feed? That’s none of your business, I ask the questions here!

Our top stories tonight. 

Scandal Rocks Shimmering Sky Project in Bhai

The Shimmering Sky installation in Bhai was rocked by scandal today when someone stole junior tech engineer Kashim’s hummus from the break room refrigerator. The prime suspect is Alicea from HR who was spotted eating a bagel at her desk this morning with an unidentified substance spread on top that our sources say was definitely NOT cream cheese.

That appears to be the biggest news to come out of Bhai lately as the place has been so stable and quiet. Haqqislam forces providing security for the facility have been observed playing drafts and napping, so securely they are in control of the facility. One local Haqqislam commander who did not want to be named said they had a minor security alert when a unknown alien was discovered in the facility ventilation system however it later transpired that it was only a member of the UR Hegemony’s research team who had got hopelessly lost on their way to the toilets. 

We’ll have rolling updates on the “Hummasgate” story as they occur. 

Industrial Secrets Stolen at Huaqiao Experimental Energy Research Centre

Reports have been coming in about heightened incidents of industrial theft at the Yu-Jing administered Experimental Energy Research Centre in Huaqiao. 

Unnamed sources working in the facility report that pieces of equipment are going missing from the research labs at least once a day and in at least one case an entire fusion chamber was spotted on security feeds being loaded into the back of Sushi van in the facility carpark. 

Several Yu-Jing military patrols were dispatched into the Gubei district of Huaqiao city and clashes with local civilian and Japanese Secessionist forces were reported. O-12 Bureau Aegis authorities were eventually forced to step in and stop the disorder from spreading into the wider city beyond.

Montalbán Maritime Wildlife Out Of Control!

Bizarre reports are coming out of Montalbán of local maritime creatures hijacking ships and pleasure craft from the local marina and yacht club during the prestigious “Twilight Regatta” held last weekend. In what appears to be a coordinated effort by several disparate species of sea life, yachts as long as 50 feet were cast adrift from their moorings and towed out of the marina entrance and into the open sea by teams of mammals and cephalopods exhibiting atypical behaviors that have local naturalists baffled. 

It is unknown if this unusual behavior is related to the recent disruptions reported in several subaquatic PanOceanian research labs which were accused of cruel animal experimentation by Nomad representatives in the O-12 Öberhaus. 

One eyewitness reported seeing a large red octopus sporting a blue beret at the helm of one craft as it left the harbor; however this report has yet to be corroborated by anyone attending the regatta who was in an adequate state of sobriety at the time .

Illicit goods flood Okolnir markets, port authorities powerless to respond.  

A recent spike in illegal smuggling has led to a flood of imported goods swamping the local Okolnir markets, causing significant disruption to a number of international trading conglomerates with offices in the port. The goods in question appear to consist of raw materials such as unrefined Tesium thought to come from Dawn based private mining enterprises as well as significant volumes of Ariadian made spirits and alcoholic beverages.

The bypassing of tariffs for these goods seems to have had a net positive effect on local manufacturing businesses who are expected to report record profits in this quarter. This has allayed the fears of many in the Okolnir region who were worried about an economic downturn following the announcement that several large PanOceanian businesses would be shuttering their operations in the region. 

We reached out to local port authorities to see what steps were being taken to combat this rise in smuggling. However the only answer we received from the main maritime control center came from a clearly intoxicated man speaking in a strong Tartary accent who told our reporter to “Mind your goddam business.” 

We’ll have more on this story as it develops. 

Blériot Airport operating at 300% efficiency, improvements made to security screening. 

Passengers leaving from the regional Blériot Airport have been reporting vastly decreased waiting times in the main terminal with departure times down to as 10 minutes from initial arrival to takeoff. The increased efficiency is thought to be due to ALEPH taking over the administration of the airport in order to facilitate rapid evacuation of civilians from the Lorena region. 

We spoke to one passenger who gave his name as “Johnny T” on their arrival to the Concilium Circular Port who had departed from Blériot that morning. 

“Yeah I arrived in a panic after getting the evacuation order this morning to my Comlog, I got out of the villa with everything I could carry. I thought I’d have to leave most of it on the tarmac but when I got to Blériot the first thing I see’s is this smoking hot ALEPH aspect, she must have been 6 foot 3, and she just tells me to just stand still for a second.

I get this tingly sensation all over my body as she gives me a once over, just looks me up and down like I’m a piece of luggage ya know? Then she waves a hand and all of a sudden some spindly remote picks me up and carries me right through the airport and plonks me down in my shuttle seat! I was shook and then kinda pissed, I’d thought of snagging a Martini from the departures lounge to “steady my nerves” as it were. 

Right then I notice there’s already a tall glass in the seat rest beside me, and get this, all the stuff I’d thought of picking up in the duty free was there in a bag by my feet! I got to tell ya, was the smoothest trip out of Blériot I’ve ever had. Hey you want some of this pointy chocolate?” 

Edda citizens concerned about changes to beltway tolls. 

Citizens of Edda received a shock this morning on their daily commute due to staff changes within toll booths on the city’s main transport route, Beltway 594. Up until yesterday the booths were either automic scanners or were manned by O-12 municipal remotes which would debit 5 Sol from a drivers account. 

However this morning all booths were manned by members of the Combined Army’s Morat species on what appears to have been a form of punishment duty. Commuters reported seeing large red skinned aliens crammed into the booths looking bored and somewhat dejected. When several panicked motorists attempted to ram the booth barriers their vehicles were quickly immobilized by waiting drones until payments were processed. 

A representative from the Edda department of transport gave us this statement.

As part of the Ur Hegemony’s integration efforts with humanity, their consul in the Öberhaus generously offered to assist with the city’s municipal cost cutting measures that were introduced following their invasion of Concilium. We are glad that our former enemies are helping to offset the costs of repairing vital infrastructure by supplying volunteer staff from Morat penitentiary units to man our toll booths. An unexpected error with translation services led to staff showing up a week early for their posts and we apologize for the unannounced changes to regular services

Be assured that you can continue to use the toll booths as normal and that any demands for bodily fluids or limbs from our new staff are purely down to errors in our booth municipal software. Please under no circumstances make sustained eye contact with any member of our new booth staff!

So far there have been no additional fatalities due to the changes implemented by Edda city authorities however rumors of Exrah manned emergency services being rolled out in the near future have residents worried.   

That’s all we have for tonight, I’m Minerbot for Pirateorama and *loud rumbling noises*… I think I may have built my studio near a Stoorworm tunnel. Err… goodnight!